Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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