Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
