My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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