I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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