Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
True strength comes from lack of pants
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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