i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
