I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
