well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
