I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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