I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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