if i can run in heels then i can drive
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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