My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Congratulations! We have a period
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