Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
