im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
