I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
