I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
