I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
