She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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