someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Randomize
