just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
