my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
