I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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