____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
