saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
