The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
