I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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