she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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