allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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