i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
