I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It was confusing and full of hummus
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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