he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
