All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
high people should be assigned attendants
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
