life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
