Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
