Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
