i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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