i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
OPIZZABONMYDICK
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
