just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
