PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
