Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
