I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
