and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He? As in you personified your dick?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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