When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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