At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
