He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
