Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
