You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
