Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
