i think my mom watched the whole time
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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