i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
