So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
