you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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