my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
